By Manny Roman
We were on a much need vacation with friends at their “cabin” on the lake in upper Wisconsin. They say “cabin,” however it is a beautiful, two-story home that they built. I call it the Chateau. We meet with this couple, and another couple from New Jersey, at each other’s house or some other location, as often as time will allow. We will spend a week or so together and it is always a great time.
As usual, we were drinking some wonderful wine flavored libation, which caused the normal philosophizing to ensue. Somehow the subject of birthright popped up. The conversation became a moaning event regarding the expectations that are present in many family members.
It was decided that the expectation that family members are owed a portion, and in some cases all of one family member’s possessions, is unrealistic. Inheritance is a strange word that implies that all should be transferred to other family members by birthright. We were not against helping and providing needed assistance, we were against a continual expectation of a never-ending handout.
Birthright may be a consequence of loving our families, especially children, to the point that we remove the need to be deserving and appreciative. We provide with the intent that family is everything, so we sacrifice everything. The fault, in our opinion, is in providing without expectations. A frenemy (the word is in the dictionary) once told me, “Never give anyone anything without receiving something in return. There must always be some pain.” Yikes! Is it possible that this guy had learned something that we don’t know? I always thought he was talking about business, not family. He certainly implemented that in his business dealings with everyone.
How long should we sacrifice our own well-being and comfort for the sake of an unappreciative family? At what point do we say enough?
We invented a viable alternative to pure birthright. We decided that we preferred “Earned Right” to Birthright. Earned Right, as the name implies, would be more palatable because it should lack the expectation that something is owed even when undeserved. We subscribe to the notion that there are people in our lives that are as close, if not closer, than family. We call these “friamily” (this word is absent from the dictionary). It describes the fact that we cherish these friends without expectations. We freely share and there is no perception of need to share equally at any time.
An example: When we go out to dinner, we just throw our credit cards into the tab to be divided equally. It does not matter who consumed the most and who the least. I must admit that this probably benefits me since I outdrink them all. However, Ruth consumes very little so maybe things work out evenly after all.
Earned Right is developed over time as does trust. It begins with some shared interests. It starts slowly with the mutual sharing of personal information and small vulnerabilities. Small vulnerabilities become full sharing of personal likes and dislikes, loves and hates, fears and concern, and what makes us happy and sad, etc. Complete trust follows and a commitment to the friendship becomes strong. We laugh and cry together and for each other. A strong bond is formed.
We all have many relationships with business associates, acquaintances, distant and close friends, frenemies, family and those who have Earned Right – our beloved Friamily
Manny Roman, CRES, is association business operations manager at Association of Medical Service Providers.
