By Daniel Bobinski
When disputes arise in healthy relationships, the issues in question are put on the table and discussed with objective language. Each party is empowered to state his or her position with confidence that the other party is genuinely listening and wanting to understand. Possible solutions are explored with open minds, and ripple effects are considered and weighed for each issue discussed.
It’s an easy process to understand, but as most of us know, it can be incredibly difficult to do. After all, people want what they want, they value what they value and they believe what they believe. Each person has a mental picture of how things ought to be or how a problem is best solved.
With that, it can be difficult to imagine how the pictures of our solutions could be different than how we imagine them. It’s especially difficult to let go of an idea if we’re emotionally attached to it.
For many, the stretch of trying something different is uncomfortable, so rather than negotiating through to a solution that doesn’t match our ideal, some people develop different strategies for dealing with conflict. Some won’t even bring up problems and the solutions they think will work, instead just coping as they go and doing whatever someone else suggests. This behavior could be called passive.
Passive Behaviors Include:
- Nodding in agreement instead of expressing disagreement
- Finding something else to do or changing the topic instead of discussing an issue
- Getting upset after a decision is made despite not offering any input into the discussion
- Some people become aggressive and try to intimidate or bully others. Aggressive behaviors include:
- Using positional power to squelch discussion of an issue
- Raising one’s voice or increasing vocal intensity so as to intimidate by creating an atmosphere of power and control
- Blaming others for a problem’s existence and insisting that if others would change, the problem would go away
Even worse, some people become passive-aggressive, doing or saying things that get in the way of forward progress but doing so with plausible deniability. Several examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:
Deliberately working inefficiently and/or avoiding responsibility
Refusing to discuss problems while claiming that everything is fine
Verbally sniping at someone but claiming it is a compliment
Unfortunately, many people develop passive-aggressive mechanisms as survival or coping strategies and do not even realize they are doing them. Whether it’s at work or at home, passive-aggressive behavior almost always damages relationships by perpetuating and exacerbating unresolved conflict.
The healthiest mindset to have when purposing to resolve conflict is one of assertiveness. People commonly conflate assertiveness with aggressiveness, but specific differences exist. Think of an aggressive person as someone with a win-lose mindset. Such a person seeks to win at all costs, and you and your ideas will not. Someone can also be aggressive by holding a “win” mindset. This is when the aggressive person doesn’t care if you get what you want or not, but that person will definitely get what he or she wants.
The mark of assertiveness is thinking win-win. Such a person wants a result where everyone is good with a solution and no one – not even the passive person – has given anything up.
Creating The Right Atmosphere
Since human beings are complex creatures, each with untold experiences and emotional imprints that unconsciously impact our thinking, it helps to build a culture that rewards actions and attitudes that are commonly known to foster teamwork. Regardless of whether you are the team’s leader or the lowest-ranking person, you can help construct a framework for healthy conflict resolution by doing a few simple things.
Build trust and respect by being trusting and respectful. The best way to build trust is to first be trustworthy. This includes being truthful and honest, following through on what you say you will do and refusing to participate in gossip or negative talk. Being respectful includes listening to others actively and attentively, expressing appreciation for others’ efforts, and leaving room to show some compassion when others are expressing frustrations or disappointments.
- Being respectful also includes using polite and courteous language such as “please” and “thank you.” One time I had a valuable employee who was quite efficient, but I drew a line when she asked that we dispense with phrases like “please” and “thank you” in the office. She stated she thought the team could be more efficient if we didn’t waste time using such phrases. Although I agreed that urgent times do exist when such words can slow down productivity, the truth is that such words create a healthy and appreciative work environment that enhance feelings of respect and cooperation.
- Foster a culture of accountability. In its simplest form, having a culture of accountability means not letting things slip through the cracks. But how do we create a culture like that without people feeling pressured or bullied? One practice is to be in regular conversation with people about the deliverables that are expected. Rather than assuming everyone knows all the details, ask questions to clarify the who, what, where, when and how. Find out who will be doing which tasks. Ascertain where the resources will be, or who has them and, if necessary, how to get them. Be sure everyone is on the same page for expected timelines, methods and definitions of success.
These conversations shouldn’t be interrogations, but rather curious inquiries propelled by a desire for integral teamwork.
Having the resolve to resolve conflict requires having determination and commitment to reach agreeable solutions so everyone on the team can stay engaged and productive. It requires an understanding of human nature, but also an understanding of the conditions that foster forward-thinking teamwork. Do you have the desire to be part of a team that investigates and analyzes options so problems and disagreements can be resolved to everyone’s satisfaction? It’s not just a leader’s responsibility. Everyone plays a part. •
Daniel Bobinski, who has a doctorate in theology, is a best-selling author and a popular speaker at conferences and retreats. For more than 30 years he’s been working with teams and individuals (1:1 coaching) to help them achieve excellence.
