By Manny Roman
I was watching a movie where the mother says to the young daughter, “You lied to me.” The about 5-year-old replies, “You lied to me too.” The mother then says, “Yes I did, but it was for your own good.” This confrontation reminded me that a long time ago, I analyzed the process of lying for the then “Manny’s Moans” I wrote for MD Publishing. It was titled “How to Lie Well.”
I began by stating that there is a core of truth in every good lie. I said that I don’t ever lie, which is a “White Lie.” We use that term to indicate that the lie has no malicious intent, and it does no harm. In fact, it may actually keep from hurting someone’s feeling or may actually increase their feeling of self-worth. The question: “Do these pants make my derriere look big?” comes to mind. (Ruth advised to say derriere instead of ****.) What can you possibly say in response? A truthful but dangerous reply “The problem is not the pants.” is ill advised.
My question is: “Why would you put someone, especially a significant other or a friend, in this predicament where there is no good response?” The “fat pants” question begs for a white lie. Even if the truth is that the pants don’t enlarge the enclosed derriere, the response will always be suspicions, anyway. However, I digress as I normally do.
Research indicates that we all lie a couple of times a day. Who do we lie to and why? Are there instances where a lie is better than truth? Are some lies justifiable? We lie to strangers, coworkers, friends, loved ones, ourselves and anyone who sits still long enough. People lie for many reasons: deception, self-gain, guilt, shame, aggrandizement, self-protection, protection of others, rejection avoidance, self-deception, intentional damage, habit and probably many other reasons. Some lies cause more harm than others. We must look at the intent of the lie to determine if we can accept it, once it is discovered of course.
There exist some semi-reliable means of detecting a lie, however mostly we cannot tell when others are lying, except for those whose lie indicator is lip motion. Mostly we can only discern that someone is exhibiting signs of discomfort such as face touching, fidgeting, over-detailing, etc. The degree of damage from a lie should be determined by the recipient as well as the degree of absolution given as a result.
It takes a great deal of brain energy and a relatively great amount of time to tell a lie. First, we must know and recognize the truth. Then we must determine that, at this particular moment, we must not tell that truth and that silence is not an option. We then must construct a plausible lie, give voice to it and control the attendant body language so we don’t give ourselves away. We must also be prepared to answer any questions regarding that lie. We also have to commit the lie and the entire incident to memory so we can defend that lie in the future. Yikes! That is a lot of stuff just to deceive someone else.
So, what is the core of truth in the lie? It is the truth itself, that’s the core. To be plausible, the lie must alter, manipulate, twist, bend, and many other verbs, the lie. To convince someone that the lie is the truth it must have a basis in fact.
Some people are not good at lying. They can’t leave the core of the truth in place and yet embellish it to a believable lie. These people have trouble believing the fact that others can be great at lying. Devastating results may follow such as loss of relationships, money or property.
I, myself, try to stay within the boundaries of the truth. It is much easier to remember the truth than it is to remember a lie. My second course of action is to “Remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” to quote Benjamin Franklin. The third option is to omit the items that, although truth, will cause problems either to me or to others: The White Lie. I find that I do not encounter too many instances where I am stretched beyond these options. •
Manny Roman, CRES, is association business operations manager at Association of Medical Service Providers.
