By Daniel Bobinski
Too often, people think they’re being assertive when they’re really being aggressive. This mistake is usually accidental, but people trying to assert themselves can easily create problems if they’re not sure of the differences between the two styles.
To help us clarify the differences, let’s imagine a graph. The vertical axis represents your ability to stand up for yourself to get your needs met, and the horizontal axis represents your ability to have genuine consideration for others and a concern that they get their needs met.
If we draw two perpendicular lines and create four quadrants on the graph, we can label them aggressive, assertive, passive and passive aggressive. Almost everyone tends to be in one of those quadrants. To better understand the difference between assertive and aggressive, let’s consider the characteristics of each box.
The upper left box on our graph scores high in standing up for oneself but low in consideration of others. This is the aggressive box. People scoring this way are adept at getting their views heard and their needs met, but tend not to consider other people’s point of view. Using common vernacular, such a person has a strong desire to “win”
and generally doesn’t have an interest in what others want or need.
In some cases, people become super aggressive. That is, not only will they fight to win, they’ll also fight to ensure the other party loses. Generally speaking, being aggressive is unhealthy for workplace cohesiveness and it doesn’t align with the idea of teamwork.
The lower right quadrant is labelled passive. People scoring here are quick to consider others’ perspectives and will sometimes even help others get their needs met. However, they tend not to stand up for what is rightly theirs. And, because they won’t be firm in getting their own needs met, they may build up a lot of unspoken resentment. As you can imagine, passive behavior in the workplace is also unhealthy.
The lower left quadrant is labelled passive aggressive. Frankly, I feel sorry for people who score here. These folks usually don’t openly state what they want, nor will they strive to truly consider other people’s point of view. As such, they struggle seeing the bigger picture and often view themselves as victims. People in this group may sometimes be malicious and any hostility always carries plausible deniability. If you’ve been around this type of person, you know it’s an unhealthy position to take and not good for workplace progress.
Finally, we have the upper right quadrant, which is labelled assertive. People scoring here want others to score a win but will also stand up for their own needs. Think of it as a win-win mentality. Assertive people are a refreshing breath of fresh air in the workplace. It seems they are always striving to get things done while working to ensure everyone is rowing together in the same general direction.
As mentioned earlier, assertiveness is the healthiest place to be. That said, being in that quadrant usually requires a conscious choice. And being assertive requires a bit of practice balancing out the win-win.
Becoming Assertive
Aggressive people must learn empathy and passive people must develop courage. Passive-aggressive people will have the most difficulty in transitioning to assertiveness. Frankly, they often need a lot of personal healing, because it’s not uncommon for their sense of survival to be based on ignoring or distorting reality.
In the Oxford English Dictionary, the verb “assert” means “to state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority.” Obviously, those attributes are to be encouraged as they are part of assertiveness. However, being assertive goes beyond that. It includes doing what’s in that definition plus the practice of maintaining a high regard for what other people want or need. Remember, the assertiveness quadrant is just as easily called, “win-win thinking.”
Essentially, think of assertiveness as having a mindset that says, “I want to win, but I’m not going to walk over you to do it – I’m going to respect what you want and work to help you get your win, too.”
A Change of Thinking is Required
Many people struggle with differentiating between aggressiveness and assertiveness. The key is thinking win-win. Way too often I hear people giving lip service to achieving win-win outcomes, but their thinking is still win-lose (aggressiveness). When someone’s thinking is not geared toward helping other people get what they want in addition to achieving a win for themselves, then achieving win-win outcomes pretty much falls to random chance.
If you find yourself being either passive or aggressive and want to move into being assertive, allow me to point you Habit 5 from Stephen Covey’s, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” It’s “seek first to understand, then be understood.” In this axiom we see the balance: An ability to genuinely consider someone else’s point of view (seek first to understand), and an ability to stand up and get your needs met (then be understood).
The Danger of Imbalance
One problem I’ve seen in some passive people who’ve tried to be assertive is that they overshoot the mark. They finally stand up to voice their desires, but then they jump straight to aggressiveness. In other words, they go from acquiescing to the needs of others (passiveness) to totally ignoring the needs of others (aggressiveness). This is a common mistake, so it’s important that passive people understand the need for a balance.
Personally, I think the order of Covey’s fifth habit is excellent, because by first seeking to understand someone else’s point of view, you’re establishing the groundwork for an attitude and practice of fairness. Then, after you genuinely understand the other person’s point of view, it’s only fair that you be heard and understood as well.
The key to success in this effort is striving for balance. Granted, sometimes one has to cautiously choose one’s battles, but the more balance there is in seeking to understand and seeking to be understood, the healthier your communications – and your workplace – will be.
