By Daniel Bobinski
Even though she never set out to be the person in charge, Dawn runs a laboratory. Why was Dawn chosen for that middle management role? Because she sets high expectations for herself and does whatever it takes to achieve what’s been assigned to her.
Call it a work ethic. Call it being disciplined. Call it being resourceful. Dawn is all of these things and more, because people on Dawn’s team respect her and work hard for her. But one thing acts to destabilize Dawn’s confidence, and that’s a manager from another department who criticizes Dawn’s decisions. Dawn says it’s bad enough that this other manager snipes at her, but this person, whom we’ll call Brittany, happens to be good friends with Dawn’s superiors.
“I think through all of my decisions,” Dawn says. “Sometimes too much. I never want to make decisions based on my feelings, I always want them to be principled.”
And yet, Brittany nitpicks at Dawn every chance she gets. It’s gotten so bad Dawn is ready resign.
Dawn’s situation is more common than people think. Human nature being what it is, people love flexing their authoritative power muscles. But it’s how we deal with interpersonal conflict that enables us to grow as individuals.
None of Dawn’s options I’m about to describe are etched in stone. Each situation is different, so if you know of someone in a similar situation, or if you yourself are in that boat, think of these options as possibilities to consider.
First, as much as it’s not a pleasant task, Dawn should keep a secure notebook of what she observes. In the human resources realm, if it’s not written down it didn’t happen. To reiterate, the recommendations listed aren’t written in stone, but this one is fundamental. Talk is cheap. Anyone can describe past events, but if they are written down objectively they carry more weight.
The key when Dawn is writing things out is to stay objective and not refer to feelings or emotions. It’s actually a lot more work to be factually objective, but the difference is important.
For example, instead of writing, “Brittany belittled me in front of my employees,” Dawn might write, “Brittany interrupted me three times and kept raising her voice. Then, in front of three of my employees she stated, ‘This department needs a better manager.’ ”
The former records feelings, the latter lists facts. What Brittany said may not be true, but it’s factual that she said those things. Objective records like this are important. If the situation between Dawn and Brittany escalates, senior management will be concerned with the facts more than the feelings.
Another option is discussing the matter directly. Several alternatives exist, and which route one takes depends on the situation. If Dawn’s organization has an HR department, having a formal conversation with them is always a good place for her to start. Dawn should bring her notebook with her so she can relate the facts, and resolve to keep her emotions out of the discussion.
HR might have suggestions, and those suggestions are often well-heeded. An HR manager will keep company policy in mind and with Dawn coming to HR to discuss the matter, she is signaling that she respects company policy and wants to be a team player.
Also, if it turns out that Brittany’s criticisms have merit but she’s simply going about correcting any of Dawn’s shortcomings in an inappropriate way, HR is likely to be in a position to help Dawn get any necessary training.
Dawn could also approach Brittany directly, but depending on the dynamics, this tack could go terribly wrong. Then again, it may go very well. Again, it depends on the personnel involved and the dynamics of the situation.
Another possible conversation could be Dawn talking with her supervisor, but since her supervisor is known to be good friends with Brittany, this could backfire terribly. I’ve seen this tack go wrong more often than it went right, so although I won’t write it off, it’s usually a recommendation of last resort. My top recommendation is usually, “talk with HR.”
If the organization is small and no HR department exists, Dawn may have no other choice than to meet with her direct supervisor about the matter. However, to avoid a negative ripple effect, involving the next layer of leadership would likely be helpful. That’s not always possible, but it may help prevent any potential retribution Dawn might receive for exposing a problem that involves her supervisor’s friend.
The underlying principle in this second option is that working though conflict is always better than working in an atmosphere filled with tension. Conflict is open and resolutions can occur. Tension is unspoken, ongoing conflict that has no path for resolution.
Dawn doesn’t need to be aggressive, simply principled.
A third idea is for Dawn to seek out a mentor from within her company. A mentor’s job is to provide guidance and support, plus suggest actions for professional development. It may be that the mentor will take note of the situation between Britany and Dawn, and be able to share some “in-house” advice. The mentor will also be able to provide emotional support and encouragement if Brittany never lets up.
There’s also another bonus to Dawn having a mentor, especially if the mentor is a senior manager. Every time Brittany snipes at Dawn, she will be simultaneously taking a vicarious jab at Dawn’s mentor. This is probably something Brittany will not want to do.
Some people like the tack of using wit in one’s words. This can work to tone down verbal attacks, but this tactic can also set the state for a larger attack happening later. This is because such exchanges are often personal in nature and tend to create more tension than anything else.
Bottom line, it’s good for people in Dawn’s position to stay professional and keep an objective written record. It’s also good to involve someone else in some way, whether it’s HR, a mentor or both. Including objective people from the outside leans on the age-old adage: there’s safety in numbers.
Daniel Bobinski, who has a doctorate in theology, is a best-selling author and a popular speaker at conferences and retreats. For more than 30 years he’s been working with teams and individuals (1:1 coaching) to help them achieve excellence. He was also teaching Emotional Intelligence since before it was a thing. Reach him by email at DanielBobinski@protonmail.com or 208-649-6400.
