Almost every organization has that one colleague who drains the energy from every meeting. It’s often someone who resists collaboration and acts as if their way is the best way. One phrase that could be applied to such individuals is “workplace disruptors,” because not only do they frustrate their peers, they erode trust. They drive even talented people to the exit. Left unchecked, a single such team member can unravel even the most productive company culture.You’ve probably encountered such a person. Not only do they believe their way is the right way, they resist even considering alternative perspectives. Complicating the situation, their mantra is usually, “This is who I am – deal with it.” Even one person displaying such an attitude can cause a company to crumble from within, especially if that person is in senior management or a leadership position.
The Story of Bill
Let me share a real-world example. We’ll call this gentleman Bill (not his actual name). Bill was actually quite talented. He grasped the big picture with ease and knew how to identify obstacles in the way of success. But despite that, he was seen as an uncooperative know-it-all. He was not just a disruptor, he was considered abrasive.
Bill had received several promotions, although those advances happened in spite of his interpersonal style, not because of it.
How do I know these details? Because Bill’s supervisor brought me in to work with him. The company’s president wanted Bill to smooth out his rough edges and embrace collaboration because too many other valuable employees had reached their breaking point and were ready to quit.
“Bill is super valuable,” the president told me, “but if he doesn’t start working better with others, I’m going to lose the whole team.”
The main issue is that Bill saw problems in everyone else’s workstyle except his own. For example, he was quick to say the office manager needed to overhaul her workflow and he openly stated that the purchasing manager should’ve shown more initiative.
One could talk with Bill for any length of time and you’d hear him dissect nearly all of his coworkers’ shortcomings. However, if anyone asked Bill about his work or his department, he’d usually respond by saying he needed more sleep because he was working so incredibly hard.
Stated plainly, Bill was oblivious to the fact that his direct reports bit their tongues when he was around. They were afraid to talk about their work just to protect their paychecks.
Bill also didn’t see how his attitude impacted his peers. As one of Bill’s colleagues confided to me, “Nobody wants to be in the office when Bill makes his rounds.” Another told me, “We all maintain our professionally polite masks, but we don’t engage with Bill except when necessary, because we don’t think he appreciates what we do.”
People Rarely Quit Companies
You’ve likely heard it said that employees don’t quit companies; they quit difficult managers. Ironically, people like Bill struggle to understand why people around them are leaving. They point to every possible factor except their own behavior.
If you’re dealing with such people in your organization, the solution should always include human resources, but it often boils down to a direct ultimatum. This usually needs to come from someone higher on the organizational chart, and might sound like, “You need to make substantive changes, or other changes will be necessary.”
It was only after such a line was drawn that Bill agreed to work on himself.
I should point out that these situations become especially problematic if the offending party serves at the top of an organization, as there’s nobody with the authority to create an ultimatum. But that’s a topic for an entirely separate discussion.
Don’t Wait
If there’s someone in your organization whose eyes need to be opened to the negative impact they’re having on others, let me offer this advice: don’t wait. The longer a person operates with an abrasive style, the greater the probability that the person’s self-defensive walls will grow higher when challenged.
Their mindset becomes: “These methods brought me this far – why abandon them now?”
Still, at the heart of the problem, it helps to have empathy for the person who has little empathy. Laura Crawshaw, founder of the Executive Insight Development Group and author of “Taming the Abrasive Manager,” once said,
“Abrasive bosses are driven by fears of being perceived as incompetent and they are blind to their impact on others.”
Thus, enrolling someone in a training class might provide marginal benefit, but it’s seldom the complete answer.
The same defensive patterns remain as they adopt the attitude that says, “This soft-skills training is meant for other people, not for me.”
The optimal solution for helping abrasive or uncooperative individuals is personalized one-on-one mentoring or coaching. Why? Because problematic behavior that originates from insecurities need personalized attention. Fears and an underdeveloped ability to connect interpersonal dots are not going to get addressed with other people around.
Power of Individual Coaching
Through one-on-one mentoring or coaching, specific issues receive direct attention. Troublesome behaviors can be evaluated and discussed carefully. Without such focused accountability, old patterns persist, particularly if the offending party holds significant organizational authority. Remember, abrasive managers may genuinely believe their current style propelled them to their present position.
As a former executive coach for 35 years, I can tell you that if you’re dealing with an abrasive or uncooperative manager in your workplace, know that many certified management and executive coaches have extensive experience resolving these challenges.
So, if you have an uncooperative or abrasive coworker, may I suggest consulting with HR about engaging a coach to assist that individual. Remember, the root cause of their conduct usually traces back to nobody ever teaching them what they needed to learn.
I’m a firm believer that coaching works. My client Bill was reluctant to start coaching sessions, but had been given an ultimatum. Eventually he saw for himself the value of adapting his approach, and after six months his supervisor and colleagues reported that Bill was considerably easier to work with. •
Daniel Bobinski, who has a doctorate in theology, is a best-selling author and a popular speaker at conferences and retreats. For more than 30 years he’s been working with teams and individuals (1:1 coaching) to help them achieve excellence. He was also teaching Emotional Intelligence since before it was a thing. Reach him by email at DanielBobinski@protonmail.com or 208-649-6400.
