By Manny Roman
I recently found myself responding to a couple of emails by saying “Apologies for the delayed response.” I did not venture into an explanation of why the response was delayed, however. I was not following my own advice of “Never apologize.”
A very long time ago, I attended a presentation conducted by a colleague. There were errors in the presentation and he apologized every time an error appeared. He then tried to explain the causes of each error. This was a mistake that minimized his credibility. My response upon being asked for a critique: “Never apologize.” Imagine his surprise.
I believed then, and still do, that unless your actions intentionally cause harm, or affront, an apology should be unnecessary. If there was intent to cause harm or affront, obviously there is still no need to apologize since it will be an obvious lie. So, how do you express your regret without actually saying that you are sorry? First, let’s discuss other things you should not say.
In many cases, we have been taught to make an empty apology by saying, “I am sorry you feel that way.” This indicates that you regret that they misinterpreted whatever you did and it is their fault for doing that. This now requires you to convince the “wronged” individual that if they change how they reacted, all is good. Anyone that says that to me is quickly relegated to ignorance and insincerity and the discussion is soon terminated. If I care about the person or situation I may respond, ”Why do you think that you made me feel this way and what are you truly sorry about?”
Often, in the heat of the apology, the wrong-doer will say, “What do you want me to do to correct the error?” This is a mistake. When you ask someone to tell you what they want you to do, it allows the other individual to turn the discussion into a personal issue. You open up all sorts of possible crazy replies like, “I want you to die!” Assuming that we are still talking about business, making it a personal affront is not likely to turn out well. Now, let’s see where my great wisdom takes us.
Assuming that the “offending” action reached an unintentional conclusion, then that is exactly what we should say. We did not intend to cause the particular outcome thus the outcome was unintentional. With sincerity say, “When I did (whatever), I did not intend to (offend, cause you to lose money or whatever) with my actions nor did I foresee that this would be the result of my actions. I want to ensure that this will not happen again so please help me to understand how we can alleviate this unintended conclusion.” Use whatever similar words you wish with the intent to place both of you in a solutions-driven mindset.
Here is the key: “What would you like to see happen?” This is the most important question that can be asked when someone is upset with us about anything. Whether we caused the issue or are responding to something caused by someone else, this question causes people to pause, think and respond in a rational way. You may have to ask more than once to get the answer and you will always get the answer. You just might be surprised at what they will ask for. Sometimes it is a simple thing that will satisfy the situation. Try it. It works.
Consider not actually saying you are sorry for anything since it puts you in a somewhat unfavorable and shaky ground. When the outcome of your actions is unintended, it is better to attempt to place all parties in solutions-generating mode rather than placing yourself in a penitent position.
Follow my advice and you will never again hang your head in sorrow. If this does not work, “I apologize” in advance for any inconvenience or punches in the nose you may receive as a result. Be advised that none of this will work on your significant other.
Manny Roman, CRES, is association business operations manager at Association of Medical Service Providers.
